Paxil Day 6 1/2

I've been feeling worse. It's growing. This feeling. This horrible feeling. Come to think of it. There aren't any feelings right now. I'm completely numb. Stupid as it sounds. I'm not tired. I'm not hungry. I'm not happy or sad. Actually. I think I'm just mad. At myself. Whatever. Hurry up and pass over me fucking emotions before I slit your throat and scoff at your pain.

Paxil Day 6

I did not sleep last night. I laid awake on my bedroom floor and listened to the furnace. I felt so alone, you have no possible idea. I don't understand how someone could feel this way. But I do. And it's horrible. I feel that way now too. Not as bad. But almost. My head keeps throbbing. Yes I know, I whine. I'm freezing, but I thought I should write something down. Today was a little better. I was feeling happy at one point. A man came to my house name K-jal and we played guitar. We talked about music, and it was fun for the time. It didn't stay that way unfortunately. After he left my emotions sloped downwards. Alice is asleep and I feel no need to wake her. For she was awake all night aswell and I think it would be intrusive to talk to her. I feel so dependant on my friends for happiness. I used to be happy alone. I used to want to be alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. This feeling is growing worse. It's my mind. My 'beautiful' mind. As he might say. Beautiful. Ha. It's a curse. Why do I think of these things? Who thinks of these things? Nobody! I'm alone on thought. I want my mind to vacate elsewhere, so I can be totally alone instead of with it. That's my biggest fear I think. I'll be alone with my mind forever. I guess I will, in a way. And it's thinking that way that will make me like that. But I can't help but think it, and then how it will progress, and how it will become fatal and permanant. A fatal disease, of the mind. The worst kind. Soon after it's diseased it will run away. So I'll be losing my diseased mind, and my sanity aswell. I can picture it all too well. I'm in a white room. With an army cot in the corner. But I'm sitting in the opposite corner, screaming obscenities. Then a rush of 'nurses' come in, about five of them, struggling to hold me down. And then I see a nurse grab a needle full of some chemical and jab it into my neck. AH. The thought's revolting. The feel of a long shaft being inserted into your neck. Right in the side. Sliding slowly, or being rushed in fast. I dont' know which would be most painful. Then the feel of the chemicals gushing into my blood. And my adrenaline rushes to the highest it's ever been, then suddenly dropping. And I'm content. For now.

Paxil Day 5

Today was eventless. I slept all day. Forever it seems. My room feels warmer than most places. Perhaps I feel most comfortable there. No other places can match the feeling it gives me. I fear I may not sleep tonight.

Paxil Day 4

Today was a nervous wreck. Well not as terrible as yesterday, but I had an awful feeling. In my gut. All day. At one point I was tasting vinegar in my mouth. Not pleasurable. My mind felt like I was away on a cloud. I could not concentrate, eat, sleep. I was a robot. I'm robotic. I was alone most of the day. I went to the library and found pleasure in a book about Death and the afterlife. It was mainly about the mind though and what people think about Death. There were no certainties. I've spoken hardly anything, but when people talked to me I could reply like a normal kid and not some freakish anxious child. I don't like it.

Paxil Day 3

It feels asthough I have not slept for days. Or better description; that it's all just been one day. My whole life has been but one long tiring day. I was tired all day, but I did manage to do a mega load of Chemistry done. My brain felt as if it were about to explode, soaking up all those elements. I did learn quite a few interesting things though. And have been thinking on a subject for quite sometime. This subject is Space. What's out there? How'd it come to be? My Class was studying nuclear fusion today and it got me wondering. If stars can be created through nuclear fusion, couldn't a planet evolve from that? I'm not too clear on the details, but my basic theory is that the Sun created a miniature Earth by nuclear fusion, when the right elements were there at the right time. This miniature Earth was able to evolve and grow to the way it is today. So basically, we're all coincidences.

It's interesting, that's for sure.

Paxil Day 2

Later last night I awoke from my nap and began feeling the effects of Paxil starting to work. My house seemed strange, and the dark was my foe. Today was quite peculiar aswell. I felt asthough I wanted to jump out of my skin all through class. But at lunch time Stefannie and I split to downtown. We wandered aimlessly, hardly talking. Exciting anyways. I've been talking to a boy named Davis. I feel sad for Toni to feel so jealous that I even want to be his friend. I would never do anything to hurt her, but maybe she'll begin to understand i don't want that kind of relationship with Davis. I hope. He's quite peculiar. But interesting.

Paxil

Today was odd. I awoke and went to school as usual. I tried to keep the day as neutral as possible. English and Science seemed to blur into one another, but I do remember a science experiement with Smarties. At lunch I sat in the library and walked around for a while. Third block was pointless. My new friend 'Joyce' took me out of class and we talked over various subjects. After returning I decided to check out some books on 'Existentialism'. I figured it was a better way to spend my class time than sitting infront of a computer reading nothing. My last block was used as catch up in science, as I truly need it. As a result of the quick power outage, school was let out early but my mother was not where she had said to be. In a panic, I could feel my heart racing. I could feel it coming. I hate it when that happens. I've decided to call these 'episodes' panic attacks, because maybe that's what they are and it just seems better than saying 'episodes'. It felt like everything was wrong. I decided to walk to the doctors, but on the way I saw her and jumped in the van. We went to the doctors where I was questioned infinately until I stopped answering. Her final verdict was a perscription to some pills called 'Paxil'. I took a pill about two hours ago. I can hardly feel any effects, but my house does seem strange.