a parallel paradox of evolution

He was an old man and I was a young girl, we both felt trapped in the same world. He reached out to me, and I was afraid to be something, I could not explain quite thoroughly. Now lapses high above my head, again I feel like I am dead. The things I know I could have said, to save a friendship; one til the end.

some thoughts to think about

In the beginning there was nothing. A void of peacefull darkness. In an instant I came to know. I AM. Creation begins and reality forms around the eye. Mixed memories and feelings combine to be where I am. In this moment for ever.

Life is a test in which we are all blessed,
no need to confess your own wrongs just take that knowledge along,
pack your bong full of your regrets
because in this life it's better to live and forget.
You don't need consent to repent.

My dialect is direct,
the lines I use connect,
reflecting the interdimensionalities
of quantitative psychologies.

PointZero.

Everything is now. All in this moment, this instant. Everything that will be and has ever been is now and only now, everlasting. Each thought initialized produces the action spoken, all at once in a motion.

ewryu54u

everything flows. where attention is placed energy goes, its type depends on its intent. there is a moral order in the universe but it is not up to something other than ourselves, or I. We are a collective consciousness preparing to unite and divide ourselves by the line of truth.

desolation

in my hands i hold
nothing that can be sold
i am old
i am cold
i am living in this hole
where noone ever goes
i am alone
i am a stone
im a rock and not a roll
i am this living mould

hollow by the game
living life until im sane
loving love cuz im insane
lighting liberty on this plane
growing to a godly mane
facing all this physical pain

why am i depressed why am i in stress
why am i a mess why am i lest

life is a song

life is a song; each I is an artist, singing themselves unto the universe lighting the path from fear, the unknown.

Life is a state of growing; Pain is only a state of mind in which we have created to better evolve ourselves as energy.


Emanating peculiar and synchronized vibrations, they are one with the breeze of manifestation.

A concrete manifestation

a turmoil mass exits last,
and with the new break of dawn
ceases it's own sin.

Life is tricky, can't you tell?

Creative obesity
Rots in the streets of these
Irregular casualties.

Singing profanities,
Screaming obscenities;
Falling away from free,
Trapped outside sanities.

Anything sells,
Everything smells,
The world's in a spell,
Life's tricky, can't you tell?

conceiving radicalities

i'm pregnant with radical possibilities;
am i a radical?
yes, no, maybe so...
electric awareness, stresses.
and as i lay down i begin to feel,
feeling all that is real.
contorting these woven dreams,
destroying those setting seams,
no longer lean and mean,
I am a thinking machine.

contrasting

only talking when they're wanting,
such memories are haunting,
never wanting to be talking
such memories are haunting

quantum ionization

polarized contraries
pick up pitch, harmoniously; spontaneously,
containing light-speed.

electrons sound,
no longer atom-bound,
setting 'round
posibility, exponentially.

A universe within a universe within a system of universalities

Nuclear reactions,
Microscopic contractions,
Particle-wave refractions.

content in isolation

I don't mind being alone.
I don't mind being on my own.
I don't mind living in a hole,
Where noone else goes.

I feel a stronger self bond
When I'm content in isolation
It gives myself relief
When I've overcome desolation.

I want to know myself
So well that it's insane.
To know it all, everything,
From the atoms to my brain.

For some it may be
Of no greater importance
To learn the science of
the mind, and focus.

But for me, it's faith
I do it every day.

on the subtle level

All in all
within us all
therein lies
a perfect ball

Of perfect size
and shape, and rise
The perfect reflect of
symmetrical lines

Containing and in sight
Radiating perfect light
Energy packed right
In a dot, so tight

A dot could be than an atom,
But there's more you can't fathom.
Expanding the atom,
Any at random,

The void grows,
The nucleus knows,
The electrons flow,
and create it's glow.

But here, we're still in 3 dimension
Is there time for an expansion?

become aware

you are like a robot,
a mechanical being;
A robot of the earth.

with few exceptions
to your entirity;
you are able to be born and give birth.

all functions come
from a main source;
the difference is you are that source.

it shouldn't take long,
for one to realize
our life is not force

Because we are conscious

illogical sense

I often feel the woe of mis-clarity,
Disguised in misconception.
My dream was so beautiful,
Yet I ponder who or what it symbolizes
i want to rest
close my eyes
imagine light
discover night
iluuminate fright
expand delights
and take off for flight

the observer

Imagine an experiement done, at a certain place, with certain subjects and certain purpose. Space and time, are space and time, as any place in space-time is relative to another because the subjects all preform in units of Space-Time. So the experiement or event can take place in any area of space-time, because that is what it is seemingly contained by. That: "the certain materials be used, in this certain amount of time" leads us to believe that these ailments are shaping the energies around them. Imagine a hot cup of tea, steaming; it is shaping the air around it through heat waves, bursting with energized molecules. Imagine the tea 20 minutes later. No doubt by now, most of the heat has moved from the cup and the tea is chilly. We can observe a change in temperature over space-time. So it changed space and time for 20 minutes, that qualifies as time but no space. What does that mean? Well, if it was able to move through space, it would hold a conscious of it's own to direct it as such. Unfortunately this cup has been neglected for 20 minutes and if it had the will to move and go make use of it's life, then maybe it would have; cups are cups though, and unless it had it's own learning capabilities like humans do currently, it would not pierce through space; it is inertiatic.
Would you rather "God" be the observer?


Well this has explained two things, what curves space and what curves time. It is basically physical, 3d matter. We have observed this. How do we know this? We witnessed it through 'seeing' or 'perceiving' or 'imagining' using our eyes or inner perceiving device. We can associate this with an eye. So this concludes that as humans, we are the observers of this experiement, yes? This means we have ultimate power over which and when direction we want to experience, not to mention where, why and how space-time can be experience. We are intellectual, imprints of exterior superiority; we are illuminated by the stars and planets; they distort our deepest selves in distinctive ways due to their gravities and frequencies. Our deepest selves are who we are, personally, as individual persons. This is what we believe, know and antipate as observers, our hypothesis.

We behold the gift of Stardust

This leads us to believe that as willfull, wishful humans, that we are the ones to curve space-time. We do it everyday, through the things we do and thoughts we have. Every word we speak shapes space-time too. The energies we choose to distort will always have a reflection off of another conscious being.

a ramble on god, allah, yahweh and christ

In case most of you didn't know, god, allah and yahweh are the exact same words used to describe the exact same figure but in different languages or texts. I find it especially fucking hilarious as Christians hate Muslims and vice versa yet they preach the same fucking gospel. They say muslims make crimes against women, yet I feel totally bombarded by men in Canada and in a public Catholic church, so where's the fucking justice in that? I believe organized religion should crumble or be stomped aupon and people should follow their own voice of reason. I mean didn't the voice of reason lead the people to the animals? Didn't the voice of reason tell the ape-man "don't eat that fruit, you'll die". It only makes perfect logical fucking sense.

Also I think it makes most sense that we are one with the universe or we are all with the universe and that's why it is makes sense allah is a deity. Arm-Leg-Leg-Arm-Head. SOUND LIKE MAN OR WHAT??? We are man and hold the reason of 'god' or allah or whatever you want to call our tenth dimensional awareness of the universe. So now that we are aware the next step is to understand that we are ONE with our surroundings. I still find it hard but I'm working on ciphering my reality.

It's obvious I can't get people to stop wasting their time in believing in something other than themselves. But I can sure bitch about it and act like I'm making a slight difference or I might aswell be dead and done with because this world is fucking sad and pathetic when I actually look at the details. I'd like to blame most of the world's greatest problems on Man if I can. Let's say, for instance, high gas prices and the failure of our modern economy. One word can sum that up and it could be amiguous. Bush. Obviously it's not a tree or covering of a woman's vagina so it must be a name of a Man in the United States in which other men have elected due to his slight "mannerism".

What a bu-shit move.



So now that we have covered why the world is as terrible as it is, we can move on to a much brighter topic, oh say, Christ. I perosnally use his words and teachings as much as I can to benefit my emotional and spiritual health and of those around me. I find it sometimes difficult as jesus was a man and I am a 16 year old girl, yada yada. His real name was Yehoshua of Jerusalem. I find it sad how misunderstood he really was and that he allowed himself to die, but I suppose if he didn't then I wouldn't be having the thoughts I have now. Which leads me to believe also that everything does happen for particular reasoning and that this moment has always been meant to happen. I also find the Roman Catholic Church a huge joke as the Romans were the crucifiers of Yehoshua. HMMMMM.


So if you don't believe IN christ than I cannot do much but say okay and be on my way.

By the way, the term christ merely means one of enlightenment or illumination or of light, and for those who don't understand the connection between light and love, you may always be wandering in the dark alone.

Now that I've released some emotion thearoputically I guess it's time for a personal update.

- still really hooked on Spinal Meninjitus by Ween
- Gave my hermits their first bath today
- hung out with Psi last night
- had a nightmare about my mother's death
- getting this cast off tomorrow
- fucking pumped for Neil Young
- finished my Stalin outline

peas n luff~

But then, where is home?

In a fraudulent world,
where parasites bring hurt unto themselves,
dwells,
nuclear families,
fulminating with chaotic dramas.

To what have we lost our own sense of family?
Our own sense of love?
Abolished by what has given us life and support,
This place in which man has mistook;
Forgetful, of, say, his own bloody birth.

Poor, dear, old Mother Earth,
If only one might see,
Just clear, precisely.

Then atlast can we be shed of this materialistic ego.
And be freed to a new light, into the unknown.
But then, where is home?

The being

I am love
I am patience
I am truth
I am kind
I am determined
I am forgiving
I am faithful
I am thanksgiving
I am grace
I am eternal

Transition

I feel I have come to know all that I have come here for. Is it odd to accept Death now without wishing it? I have lived, and I have learnt, as I haved changed. Am I dying because of the course I knew I would take? Death comes upon every course, as does life. I feel the need to let go closing in, and I feel acceptant towards this release, so that I might give birth to something greater inside of myself. I want to be reborn into a being in which I may affect the world on a greater level. Mother Nature's wrasp is what I feel towards the human race. A deep yearning to bring balance about in the universe. Am I dreaming? Where do these thoughts emerge from? The answer lies within us. For we are all connected on the subtle levels of vibrations. This is where our conscious emerges; awareness of energy itself. We are this 10th dimension within the 3rd dimension of matter. Humans are matter, while awareness is conscious or Tenth dimension. As of lately I depict my death as my spinal cord puncturing my brain. That's how it has been feeling. The state I have been living in feels rationally irrational. Are we merely probable chance? The answer is yes. So if I die, and you are greiving, know that I will return to you, as you all have returned to me. The world we are living in is about a dream, we all once had. When I die I know there will be no interdimensional hell to experience, for I am already there and have found heaven within it. Humans are systems within themselves, for if you are conscious you will know this. Death is an illusion of physical pain that we all must experience, though it is not final in your awareness. For when you die, do not let go of yourself, but merely let go of whats holding you back ; pain. Become free in yourself and experience the exhilarating electricity of awareness. Feel one with your surroundings.

1: December 21, 2012

It has been said through the ages and years of the last milenia of this Earth, that the nutorious Maya Calendar ends on the winter solstice of 2012. This date marks the Galactic Allignment. During the Galactic Allignment the December Solstice Sun is in allignment with the Galactic Equator, this results from the precession of equinoxes.

This will be when humans will come in contact with their cosmosis and be born into a Higher Self. You must first learn that self though, and learn to treat it with care and respect. Everything done on Earth reflects the self. It's like the world of Earth is just a dream of what could be. After that you can dream to do as you please in a harmonic way. The December Solstice of 2012 marks rebirth of cosmic energies, a lead into the "5th World Age" and the 5th Dimension. The Maya called the last day of the Great Cycle, ' Creation Day'.

Blue star will appear with a big bang. The Hopi tell of the new life being created from a girl and a boy. The Hopi also say that the Liberators of our time will come from the West, with great force and no mercy, they will drop down like rain from the sky. For there is a great suffering and great amount of lawlessness to apear in the time to come, as we shall all witness. This battle is said to rid the world of evil and wicked, and restore the Mother Earth of her illness.

Jesus spoke of this day, he also spoke of a lot of things which I may or may not mention here today. He also stated that those who believed life was to be lived humbly and poor would be granted the ability to recieve a new name in the next world, there will be creation.

Let's just start with the name, Maya ; awareness without pain. Who were they? Or bigger question, where did they go? They were a very natural kind, very pure and well nurturing. I can imagine the life of the Maya was very peaceful and earthy. They lived in a natural time, but I feel there was an arguement. Though the calendar was used to track cosmic time, there was the idea , perhaps, to track time on earth, and when one should do something. This idea later evolved into the time we share now, a mechanical time.


Tracking cosmic energies is one thing, but basing everything you do around the sun is another. I think it best to do things to your own natural rythm and what feels timely. Perhaps, the old ways of the Maya and the new clock ways might have interferred between peoples. Leaving only few Maya, perhaps just one tribe, to live in natural time. Because the natural-time living Maya did not give into the whole 'track our life by the sun' deal, they stayed frequent on another level, one which we have now seem to have forgotten. Now I know my references are blank at the moment, you'll just have to take my word on this. I don't remember the name of the man, but he did state, and he was a Mayan, some sort of prophet or of higher power, ' If mankind wishes to save itself from biospherical destruction, it must return to living in natural time'. And he is completely right.


Knowing the wisdom of the Maya, I think it best I move on to explain the clock. Many people believe the clock dates the 'end of the world', buuuullshit. This date marks a 'rebirth' of energies, and I'll go on further explaining that in a moment. The world will not be destroyed by nature, but by Humankind alone. I'm afraid I don't see a happy ending for the planet of Earth (that doesn't mean we shouldn't respect the Earth, we should be as kind to it as possible), but of the rising conscious, as well as bright and luminante energies, I can see a promising future. It has been said that this clock depics the 'end of time' also, since we are living in a space-time format, I believe we'll lose the 'time' and just be.

The trick to life is to take it as it comes, to remain at rest, yet fully aware at the same time. Because the more you are at 'zen' or 'balance' the closer you are to your fullest self. And by fullest self I do mean, a light being of ultimate knowledge and love. Love is very important, it's what keeps things connected, like gravity, the Earth loves us, so it keeps us here regardless of what's happened, but that is soon to change, the Earth is near rebirth and so are it's children of love and light. Love for the earth and universe around you is also very important for equilibrium of self, and ofcourse the love of the self is the most important. For before there can be a need for universial knowledge, there must be pure universial love and understanding and acceptance. And I'll go on with that in a bit.

Our spirits, energies have to be the lightest or loving, or 'holy' or whole, in order for our ascendency. We must make every effort to live in peace with man and to be whole, for without wholeness, noone will see the light. And the light is the most important thing, what I think Jesus was saying was that, we need to accept things and see the whole thing in order to accept light into the situation. It can be applied anywhere, it's a law of physics basically, once you understand what could happen , accept, and allow light on the subject it is easier to move on and create, and recreate and so on. This world is just a dream, a place where we can make mistakes and learn from them and dream of something bigger.


Does this peak the height of our species evolution? I think it does, we are to move into Homo Luminous! Beings of light! The time is nearing for our ascendency into our own manifest selves. It is time to move into the "heavens" and conquer elsewhere. Though the time is not here, it will be in 4 years, which must be spent carefully and made the most of in every situation to grow and feed the self with positivity, drive and potential. Also it is the time to become balanced, accepting and harmonic aswell as natural , so that you too may receive the 'manna' , SAP, sub atomic particles, cosmic rays, photons of knowledge from the sun of love. It has been stated a great cataclysm, or down fall of heavenly substances, will take place. It is also good to learn as many things on earth as possible.


The date itself brings out some kind of pattern; 12:21:2:0:12. Now if you haven't researched the sub-atomic particles like I have to the extent that these numbers MIGHT make sense, then I shall explain something common I see in them. For instance, the Omega particle strikes me most because it's 'strangeness, or lack of decay, is unusually high; it's name also strikes as it can be transcribed into a circlular symbol: 0/o. It's structure of subparticles forms in a triangle. It hits a 3 on the chart of strangeness, or -3 while most other particles are a 1/-1, or 2/-2. Infact... it appears to be the only particle with that rate of decay. Omega particles are in a state of equilibrium, their isospin is neutral, neither positive nor negative, but at a constant state of harmony, which therefore allows a flow of electricity or energy. So the ratio of the spin to the charge is 1:0. Or incoherently, 1=0. Since nature is numbers, and numbers are patterns, then it strikes to make sense to me that 12:21 is a mirror relexion, symbolizing the positive and negative spins counteracting eacother into a harmonizing effect. As we see 12 is a remaining number, this number is used to symbolize completion, so therefore the belief of a neutrality, aswell as a constant is present.

Between the 12:21 and remaining 12, there is the number 2 and 0, this in my theory comes to play the idea of 2 energies(negative/masculine-positive/feminen) moving together equals one whole, which in terms of the Omega particle, 0. So this is where a theory of an omega particle arises that is soon to be our structure of atoms and energy flows, where in then is also present a plasmic state and other qualities I have yet to unvail but I am pretty tired and think I should dream some more, cheers.

Retribution

Decisions
corresponding with their consequences
through the mental process
of morality;
self-forgive,
never regret.
Don't fret over forgetting,
Take what you can
use

The Triad

As of lately my thoughts have been jumbled and tossed around, neither straight or sensible. But I've come to terms with where all my ramblings are going, something I discovered today from my dear friend. The Triad. I still don't have the total picture, but in my mind it's there. I suppose I should maybe add a little personal life in this blog, as I have not blogged in a while so I might aswell blog about everything. My loving boyfriend broke up with me because of unknown reasons, but it didn't bother me too much when I heard how idiotic the kid could be to take a different path of something I'm far too tired to type about.

Phasing through to my career life; I am getting a raise, and take heed! I'm not quitting. I dislike that about my job though, somehow I'm always driven back. Even though I swore on my life this was it. I had had it, enough was enough... enough is never enough when money's involved I suppose. But the new guy at work's not too underdeveloped. Alas! A co-worker has a mind! Thank god, I think he saved me from making a mistake without even knowing it. Well I look forward to the next few months working next to him. Nothing romantic ofcourse, he's intimately connected already and that would be strange.

Onto the next aspect of my life... interests? My hobbies... guitar I have forsaken you. Please forgive me. I haven't the time, nor the interest at the moment and it's leaving me feel horrid. Something I once loved so now hardly exists in my everyday life. It's just a phase... and I'm waiting for it to be over... yeah.

Moving on to myself as a person, I would have to agree my ego is boosting with my delightfully awesome hairdoo. Baby dreads, you are imperfect but with time you will grow to be even and calm. I hung out with my friend today, we chatted about life for several hours around town smoking cigarettes. I always love hanging out with him. It gives me hope for the individuality of humans and how society's only molded the minds of the youth. Sad sad sad lives they are living. Living in fear of being emotionally abused by the majority. It's a free country I hear, that's freedom of expression, speech and individuality. But then, respectfully, everyone is free to voice their opinion to anyone at anytime about anything.




Looking over my past blogs, I've noticed a decline in thought and writing. Maybe the death of my rat irritated me so much I hadn't noticed I was affected that much. That's the only real event that I could think of... well I feel a lot more 'writier'... maybe I'll begin writing regularly once again> I would love that. My mind's a bit blank right now, so I think I ought to post this. Maybe I'll add a bit more later.

efforfexorfexxxforexfore

I'm starting new medication. It is called effexore or something of that name sort... I need to read, talk, converse. I need some intelligence. School! Come back.

pompus delights

Here I stand, six feet small. Without ever knowing about anything at all. My eye's grown wide, and my pupils are stiff dialated with the revolving shard hard out and in. My temple's seep yet I'm awake and still never knowing. My brow is risen and my retina rotates to the perfect degree of simplicity. Yet here I am again, not knowing anything at all. All vibrations from all directions come at me at this second precisely, hitting my surface harder than a sheet of ice. The pressure releases and I'm left here alone, yet not alone and knowing all along.

April 16th, 2007

Looking at life is important, especially how you do it. And now I can relate this to any religion on this planet almost. You can see, or maybe you can't, people seem to act a lot more on how they percieve the world. And how they percieve the world is related to what they think about life and what brings after life. So you see a person who is not enthusiastic about life as much as the next. They may think the world is pointless, therefore their own existence is pointless aswell, hence there is no point to anything at all so why try? This person's belief of no point may have arose from the rejection of any other religion. See a christian type believer may see the world as a paradise and that the next is a paradise aswell because that's what their beleifs tell them. And a satanic worshiper may see the world as a greedy whole and therefore their afterlife will reflect that image. It has been proven that what you believe to happen, will; using your thought process in your mind. If you are a believer in the mind than you will know that it is ruled by your subconscious. Infact, they are one. So then what you think, is. How you see life and how you see the afterlife is up to you. If you percieve the world to be treachorous, once your body dies and decomposes, your subconscious/soul/mind/whichever you like best, will rise up and live on what it has learned or percieved itself to be, treachorous. It will live in time and space, in it's own time and space. Our thoughts have always been, they cannot be created or destroyed but only change form. My conclusion in fact is that, god is us. Not religiously speaking. We are god, god is earth, earth is us, food is us. In better words, matter is god. God has always been, he cannot be created or destroyed, but only change form. Matter has always been, it cannot be created or destroyed but only change form.

Kaleida

I looked through a Kaleidoscope and saw magnificent colours and patterns. I found a quick pleasure by only observing the ever changing designs. My attention was forever kept in the vast reconstruction of images and it was after sometime I began to wonder. I asked myself, how does this work? How are these connected to the images my eyes saw? My head and mind knew better, that this was not reality. But then again, reality is what we make it. Until I had began asking various questions concerning the particular "toy", it was only known to me that these pictures were real and that it was the truth. My curiosity had me to believe otherwise after the questions led my mind to run through other possibilities.

It was at this point a friend of mine gave me his outlook on life and kaleidoscopes. As you turn it, he said, the images are always changing, yet never the same and you are hardly able to control the change. He didn't say all this exactly by the way, I just am putting what I remember and applying what else I had to say about this. This is very much like life to me. You are able to make change, though the outcomes are not always perfect or predictable. Every situation is never the same and we are always growing, changing, forming into something different. We are never the same and never will be. Life may turn one way, and we may dislike it's colours at time, or find no pleasure there for us. But the only way to find the perfect image is to keep turning and eventually all will be beautiful in the eyes of the beholder.

Time does not exist, only what we gain

Happy 100th post!

I had to add that. As I progress through this journey labeled 'life', I begin to notice what drives others apart. Why must our age (time of being conscious) matter at all? Let me ask you a question. If you were a business owner hiring for your company what would you look for? Would you look for someone who was 19? And what would your logic be? Why must you boycott the youngings? What if you did hire a 19 year old and five days later after they had been trained of everything you realize what a complete moron this 'adult' is? Now think back to a 14 year old. If you know you learn best when you are young, wouldn't it make more sense to hire a younger person as their grey matter in their mind is not yet completed it's course and they are still able to learn certain functions or lessons while applying them to their job or life? In my experience, hiring a younger person than an older person is probably a much wiser decision. They do what they're told, and if they don't that's your fault and your'e the shitty employer.

I know for a fact that I am more intellectually advanced than most 'kids' my 'age' and even more a vast population of 'adults'. And I also know a far group of 'kids' my 'age' who are aswell. I make more money than my parents do and I'm not aloud to open a mutual funds acount because I'm not legally 19 years of age. This is the government's law. They do this because they know 'kids' are smarter than they were before now. I could be a millionaire twice over by the time I'm 25 if I did open a mutual funds acount right now. And they're afraid of us. They're afraid to lose power, you can't deny.

The same thing could be said about my mother now that I think of it. She's scared of me because she knows I could be more powerful on my own than here at home. I am just too lazy to make plans to get out of here. I think when I am 16 and know a bit more about legalities and what sorts of courses I can take from the college I will leave this house and never return. Until then, I wish death upon this family or atleast they can set some goals to get a house away from this one I am currently residing in. That was harsh... but I'm in that state. And now I'm not in a good state at all because my mother is trying to fix my life. I don't understand what sort of joy you can get out of trying to gain control over another's 'life'. We are here to bask in the sun and live a good life and reproduce and when others try to stop you from doing so it is quite 'illogical'. And I'm not being a teenager like everyone else. I want to work and I'm not aloud to? I'm not aloud to work and make my own financial life for myself? If I fail Math I'm not aloud to work anymore? Who the hell can do that? And when my father takes us to a foreign country and drinks my money down then threatens to kill me if I don't leave, I get hassled that I'm not able to take care of myself? I can do a much better job on my own of taking care of myself than sitting here smoking marijuana. I'm not John Lennon or Yoko Ono, that's what I got told today. I also got told that I was stupid, immature, unable to take care of myself, a failure at life and illogical. Thanks I like hearing that from people I live with. Sorry I am complaining about my life a tad much tonight, but I think it's best I get it out whilst I can or else it will be 'locked inside' forever. Which really, would be fine with me. You know that the nurons and electrons in your brain are creating bonds between eachother, emotions and memories everytime you remember a specific incident and how you felt. The more you think about it the more the bonds become stronger. So really the only way to deal with it is have a yell about and forget about it and remember what you've learned. This relates to my 'time does not exist'. If people focused on what they know, not how they got it, and applied it to their lives... they wouldn't keep making the same mistakes. If people didn't make the connection of emotions and memories they wouldn't feel shitty all the time and mope about their life. That is why I am writing about this now, so that "tomorrow" when I go to school this night will have not existed, yet only the knowledge I have gained through it. Now the question is... what have I learned? I learned that the only thing people have against me is my age and the fact that I like to smoke marijuana. Now if the government allowed marijuana smoking they would not be able to use that against me. My age? Well how else does it fuck me over except the fact that it is 'illegal' which to me is 'illogical' which to them I am 'illogical' so therefore we are all 'illogical' in the eyes of one another. But that's okay, because I like to create my own reality and not have it paved before me thanks. I think I will just start saving my money, put it away and just save and save until I have enough to travel where ever. Or to South America and open up a store there. Also I'm sure if I did want to move to a town and they had a McDonald's Jack would give them a heads up or a good word about me. Hence I am one of the most well respected persons there. And when I say well respected I mean, people like me because I do my job well, and I'm not a retard like a high majority of the staff.

Moving on to brighter topics I have a tree on my leg. I did finish watching the movies 'The Secret' today and also 'What the bleep do we know?'. They are both most fabulous movies and have indeed helped me become more aware of my surroundings. I did my daily rituals, paid my bills then took Dillos out for tea and biscuits. I told him about my next topic for book writing. And I think I ought to begin that now. I think this idea will progress much farther, faster, than my other idea. It is more layed out already and I have great details about it. The moral of the story is 'be yourself' obviously. The guy's pretending to be a Ukrainian architect. I'm not sure what will help him see the light, that's the one part I haven't planned out yet, but I could probably write half the book while figuring it out. Cartoon Acid is a bit on the 'hold' because I think I need to experience some more life in order to find more light for her. The third topic I had for a book was not fictional, but more so non-fictional. It has to do with understanding other people. This is a quick idea and the details aren't so great but hopefully with a little time they will come to me. Actually, they will I know. I wish my grandmother's old labtop worked because then I could write my scripts in my room since writing with a pencil takes too long and by the time I write out a sentence the next thought has passed.

Well, my money making scheme isn't quite finished. I've hit a glitch, which is greatly major... but I think I can make due with a different savings account until I am 'legally' responsible for my actions. Maybe I just won't even trust the bank and just save every penny I earn from now til I die... or turn 19 and then put it in a mutual fund. Here I go blabbering about everything. Another note on my making money, I've began blogging to get paid. Which is delightful if you ask me. Although I don't know if people would be interested in my thoughts... though great if you are! It's amazing they have these sorts of things out on the internet. Also my google ads are going good. My goal for April is to 'attract' more traffic to my site using the laws of attraction and then I will get more clicks and more cash. Not that it matters to me, but it is very interesting and gives me a good feeling to get money for writing. I wonder if I can apply at the local newspaper for a column... The probability is low, because I am infact... of an illegal age. But I wonder if people would be more interested in reading about the thoughts of an unidentified person about the world and all matter in it. Maybe... I know I would be. I think if I take anything out of highschool it will have to be associated with English because I know there is so much more to know about writing. And I know that with more knowledge of the english language I could apply it far greater than sciences or math... mainly because I just have the passion to write and absolutely LOVE to! So... why stop? I think I shall keep writing until my brain bleeds.

I've decided to fast over the weekend. I do fast spontainiously sometimes, but usually only for a day or two, but this time I think I am going to see how long I can fast for. Once you pass the point of not feeling hunger it is easier to go a bit longer. If Jesus can do it for over a month, I'm sure I can do it just as long. Also I never eat that much anyways, once or twice a day. It's good not to eat sometimes, you get the feel of what some other people are going through. I'm sure somtimes it's not too bad for them. I think I could survive homeless very good that way since I hardly eat anything I would hardly need anything. Maybe just a waterbottle at my side and dinner every second night or so. Plus if you're homeless you wouldn't need so much energy anyways because...well what are you doing all day but sitting around? Though if I was homeless... I wouldn't be for long. I would naturally apply at places and find a job somewhere. There are so many jobs kicking around. ( I was going to say something about my father, though I decided it would be not very pleasant so I have refrained from doing so) Moving on.

I just had another quick thought... though it disapeared. Tsk tsk. I was thinking about Josh, and now I feel horrible that I was being so ignorant to him the other night. Than an idea came to me. Where is it now? No idea. It is unfortunate I have not been able to write about things tonight and mainly my life. It will come to me.

PS... Dillos got me a new tea pot. :)

A Dazzling Connection

Confetti Stain

Wow, I cannot believe the great amount of spelling errors one can create without any notice of it. A factor contributing to this could also be Andrew's broken labtop. The screen seems to fuzz constantly, making the image almost entirely alien. So then at one point I was not fixing it but only typing the words I was thinking until what I was writing was complete. But I think I am going to be writing a little bit slower and make sure everything makes sense.

And now, what else is there that I can say. Well last night I met Andrew's landlord. Quite a character in himself. And by in himself I really do mean, in himself. Full of himself, so to speak. I think his character is quite greedy a lot of the time. Not too greedy, no, but enough greed to make him stupid or if not entirely, act that way. We ordered a pizza and watched a documentary dvd of a behind the scenes event. I am not sure what the concert was but there was a variety of musicians playing at the time. Ben Harper, some weird Jesus band, and then there was the bass player from Phish aswell. This is where the boasting and high on yourself attitude came out most to me. 'Haha, oh boy it's Mike' he began the conversation as.

'Almost as good in person, did I ever tell you I drove him to the first concert I went to? Yeah we blah blah blah'.

I guess it was pretty cool his grandfather drove Mike from Phish to his own concert. But the way he carried it on through out the entire night, and then made sure nearly every word he spoke was related to him and a famous person some how was really annoying. But I cannot be judgemental, but only ask,' Why?'. Ofcourse I had to wonder about this. Why did he act this way. Lack of friends, I am guessing he did not have many friends in school or now. Maybe a few good ones, but they only took advantage of him and his music. Probably always wanted to be a rockstar,but never made it quite that far. Though I hear he went pretty far. I'm not sure, I cannot pretend I know what he's like. But maybe an idea will come about. I can understand Andrew, but I don't think I'll broadcast that. I can see my mother, and my father... actually... I can't even understand my father. I could probably understand everyone but.

This journey has taught me so much already, I cannot even know the kinds of lessons I might learn further on. I should probably check my phone. There is no doubt my mother probably called me. I wonder if I should also have a shower........ Mmmmmm no. Showers are discusting! Yep, I am right. One new message, from... my home! Yay... sarcasm. Jesus could accept his parents, I cannot. Or I simply just don't care for those types of persons. Maybe Jesus' parents were perfect while mine aren't and maybe his parents accepted him for what he was... a psychokinetic freak. They were accepting, we aren't I guess. I have no idea what I am listening to, but it sounds alright. My legs are aching with pain, but it is a good pain I guess. I am going to go to the magic shop today and buy something for my brother since I know he'd want something. I am also shipping my new record player along with my new records to my home today :) Oh yes. I wish I could move my room to any country. Yes my room is so comfortable, I love it most. It is the gross location I dislike. Perhaps that only shows me there is good in the bad. I'm not sure. Sooo many tiny lessons to learn. I have been writing songs like crazy. It's good I think. I also have a design somewhat of what I want my tattoo to look like. He wants to design it, but I want to give him some ideas of what I want and I think I have it now. I can't believe I ate 3 pieces of pizza. But I guess I didn't really eat anything today. Or yesterday, since today is a new day. Brr I hope the weather is warm out. I reallylike how I am just writing out my thoughts and what I wonder...maybe I should keep on. Dammit now I've stopped. Boy I sure do love Sublime. Well I guess maybe I should be off Chow.

I got this picture off of Sublime's Myspace page. Something told me I should put it on my blog.

Vansterdam

Vancouver; Vansterdam. Here I am. I am here. Am I here? Here am I. The bus ride was horrifying, actually it was quite nice. I am going to fight to bring my guitar on board though I think.... well maybe not. Perhaps I can just write and think more than play since I have been doing so much of that on the streets. My fingers have began bleeding. Most interesting, yet unkind, but I suppose that is what happens after a couple hours. I made nearly 6 dollars yesterday, two locations; One was on a bench outside a tiny bakery; the other was on a ferris boat, and that was were I made a majority of the cash. The young hockey playing boys were kind enough to show so interest. We also talked a bit about their musical history. I try to persuay them to make a band and get famous. Everyone should think about that once in a while, haha.

But... the streets of Vancouver. Boy... where do I begin? I saw many people sitting around, without any food, or money or a home even. They just sat there, with a hat open and a few nickels were there in it's company. One woman startled me as she appeared to be moving from one person to the next, then in my turn yelling ',Good bye!!! See you laterorororororor". Another man stood out from me, he seemed not so old, around 45 years old. My father's age even. Slightly scruffed, and enough close to keep in warm in the weather. He sat there by the bus stop bending the neck of a guitar since the trust rod had not been built into it before. This causes the neck to bend now and then, warp. He seemed frustrated in tuning the beast. So I kindly played my G string for him, maybe I should of even tuned it for him, poor guy. Still I was wondering where he might have gone wrong to end up the way he was. Was he homeless? First that was my question, Was he a druggy? Maybe he was. He seemed quite calm about life, not too high on it. Where was his family? did he have one? Or his parents, how old are they? So many questions, the kind of questions you just want to know because it could be a memorable choice, to ask someone these questions at one point in your life. Especially if you might be a materialistic preppy slob or somewhat of that area. Then it could be a little bit easier for one to understand a little bit more about the person on that street at that time you are walking off to your next cappiccinno.

Last day on earth

So here I am, 12 hours away from my ride out into the unknown universe. This is also known as Vancouver. The buses must be running. I have not been thinking lately, or perhaps I have... I need to create another reality, this one has gotten desperately boring. I think I will be writing a lot on this trip, yes, the bus ride will be painful without thoughts and words and sketch pads. I need to pack.

Ordinary Friedday

I've began writing more parts to Cartoon Acid. This passage is one, in which I find a small connection with:

The flowers were reborn, one after another. Replenishing constantly. She blinked and looked away from the couch. Her eyes slowly climbed through the rug and over the desk. Looking through the window and out into the shady landscape. It was beautiful. Without a doubt in her mind, she knew the sun would rise up tomorrow.

It is hardly much, but it is a start for now. Atleast I am writing something now. Bah. This could be quite frightening though, to write as much as I once did. To enter my realm of psychosis. Boy. Perhaps, I like it. I will venture back soon. He came over again today. And a terrible accident occured. My record player had fallen, due to my own stupidity, onto my precious tea pot. Both items are as useless as I. Pathetic. I am so. Maybe if I had a logical brian, this would not have occurred in the first place. Perhaps... maybe. We're off again tomorrow, to maybe buy a new tea pot. Maybe baby. I am not sure. I have been waiting for Davis to help me with this game. I am useless, can't even kill a snail. What good am I? To anyone? This is quite depressing. I suck haha. And now here's Tom with the weather. Sometimes I like to pretend I am god. I guess I could be in a way. Creator of my own destiny, a godly figure. I am not sure. I have been playing more guitar than usual. Which is good, although... the bus ride could be cancelled, we just will not think of that now will we? No. That is the answer.


My father is a beast tonight. He drank tonight. But, did he drink because of me then? My mother had mentioned to him something about smoking and he freaked out which I am not sure why. He should just fuck off because we are not family. Not I and that thing. I have no guilt, if he did drink because of me. I am his bastard child, yes I like to make it sound as discusting as possible. This family is discusting. I just need to, live in the now. Soak up the good, and kill off the bad, then leave when I get the chance. Adios ameigos.

Trip to dream

My dream last night, was different. Perhaps a redo of Nananaland. Who knows. I was in a circus it seemed. Or fair or somesort. I am not sure, but I think I was there with a class of some sort. Although I do not remember anyone specifically from the class, there were people with me nonetheless. We walked into a tent, we were waiting for something. Like a line in an amusement park. Waiting and waiting. I saw some cotton candy, or something refrenced it to my attention. Mmm cotton candy seemed good then. The line slowly got shorter. As I stood there. In the dark, it got darker. There was little light to begin with. Bars surrounding me, keeping me in order. The line in order; the people in order. I looked over the edge, but could not tell if it was a hole or just the darkness. No knowledge if it was safe or not. But the bars seemed to give me the undesired protection anyways. I arrived at the entrance to the next room. I got into a cart. It was a rollercoaster type cart. I got inside, and felt it move. It moved forward and backwards. So fast, or slow. It was dark, I could not tell. The wind told me, though it was not a reliable source as to the speed I was at. I should also add I was screaming constantly. Screaming. I would never scream in 'real life'. Perhaps in my head, but not out loud. The cart was off track and took me to a place I would never expect. A business lounge. I got out and there were shoes hanging from it. I puked and continued screaming. There was not even anything to scream at, nor even an odd thing around. But my screaming continued and I awoke with a ringing in my ears. I can understand it to a certain degree. Then it just stops making sense in my eyes.

Conpuzzle Insition

Well I've returned from Davis'. It was there Tinu came to. We had a jolly time and played the games of Super Nintendo. This song, is wholesome. He has been puzzling me. When he needs me. Someone needs me. Needed me. Does this mean now? Or before? He wishes there was a person like me before now when he needed them most? I think this is the first time someone has told me they actually need me. Wait. Sophie, once. When I was in a drunken rage. It was then. No more. Sophie. I don't. Ugh. Breathe. Wish it all away. My hands are skeletons, with meat from the animals on them. No more. Flesh and bone, nothing else. Wish away. Lizard green. At peace here. Wishful thinking. Thinking wishfully. Wished away. He is the lizard king? We're all kings, lizard kings. I am a scorpion. Everything I am, reflects their atitude. I am a scorpion. Scorpio. Rather kill myself, than be killed by another. Is it just in my nature? To kill things while their good in fear of what could be? Maybe. I think so. It's not even a chore. I just do it. Perhaps this is why I've decided to move on from Eric. I feel nothing there, frankly because he's never said he's needed me. I want to feel needed. I don't. It's not a good feeling. Of just.. being. Objects hardly used must feel terrible. They're not needed, they're just there. To make someone feel good when they want. I'm an object. Not anymore. I am a wild... thing.
I cannot be tamed of my nature, I am what I am, because that's how I was made.

Mushroomishmash

Today was yesterday combined. The unnamed one came over once again, only around later afternoon yesterday. Cigarettes were smoked; chainsmokers. We let our own stories unfold, our hopes and dreams, all that was and is was brought aware. Images were drawn and our aura's were let into presence. John and Yoko were repeated throughout the night, over and over, sometimes Beethoven and AC/DC. Time did not exist, and would not for sometime. There was a point, we did fall into a lapse of the unconscious and was it then that I realized this was amazing. We awoke in the morning, he constructed a breakfast of jam and cheese on toasted bread. It was 'god sent' as he put it. God sent. As the day progressed we made our way down town, to Read's Books, where I stole him a pack of Tarot cards, haha you would have needed to see his face. It was like a small child at Christmas time. He said it was a happy moment. We continued down town to the Public Library were we had planned to injest some mushrooms. Although, these were no ordinary mushrooms, and I'm sure you can guess. Magic Mushrooms. Yes. Magic. Haha. More like food poisoning but we'll keep it sacred. We had also decided to rid the Library of some of their more intellectual books for his sake. It was fun. And funny! and you can imagine why I guess haha. He was filled with books, head to toe, or as full as one can be with books. Haha. The trip had begun and it had not even been an hour after ingestion. Everything was good, everything was funny. Or perhaps it actually was funny and not just our perception at the time. We left the place and decided to catch the bus to his place of hommage which was fine with me. The bus, oh the bus, is where it began. We laid in the back, or I did atleast and gazed up at the ceiling. Tiny specks of color continued forming lines across it into different patterns, until atlast... a pattern of continious geckos. Lizards. The lizard king. He said he always sees them while on a trip from Mushrooms. He didn't this time, but I did. We rode the bus for about an hour, and got off at his house. I peered inside to find it a mysterious place. Colors of every here and there. The floor moved everytime I looked away, so I had to look back. It was on going, and kept me puzzled. I found the ceiling most interesting, and there laid my focus for the rest of my trip until we headed down to his room. We talked and drew more images. My mushroom trip wasn't as intense as I thought it could be, but there are other times, and this time was amazing.

Salvia Spots

Tonight was different. The 'unnamed' one came over in the hopes of practicing our psyche powers once again. And the truth; the results were amazing. The psi wheel spun more fluently, although it was a different one than before. He brought wine and salvia, I fed him cheese and bread. Images were drawn. My first salvia trip had begun. 'Ask it what you want to know', the advice was far. In my mind, I thought of what to do, how to plan, should I plan? For my future? Yes or no? Enough pondering. I opened my eyes, and inhaled. I needed a stronger breath. I sucked harder, and harder. It must have been 3 hoots in one. I held it in, until I could not. And then I snapped into some alternate reality. Perhaps not, more as a fairy land. Candyland. Nananaland. He had set before, my mexican blanket. It consisted of a pattern of lines, the main colors were white, black and purple. I was sitting on it. It felt like a new place. I opened my eyes. The smoke cleared. I saw the blanket, and shapes around it. Candyland; Nananaland. He did not exist for those few moments. 'Welcome to Nananaland; Nananaland, nananalandnananalanandlandalndalndalnda' That's all that I could hear. There was no rythm to this tune. It ran in and out of focus, like a lullaby sang wrong. Off key and on. I felt cotton candy, candyland. My blanket was running, teacups were around me. I snapped out. I saw him sitting there watching me. He later told me he was laughing a bit at me. I looked at him and tried explaining. It was difficult. My attention stayed with my blanket while I continued to him. I covered my mouth and kept on. I pushed the blanket away and looked at him. Not only had his face changed, but his entire surroundings. He was mad. His cheeks were red, like a mad man. Hair frizzing out, and the grin quite frightening. But while I found him quite repulsive, I found comfort in his lap? Yes I forced myself into his lap, grasping his legs. I remember asking him,' are you or are you not? ' I needed to know, if he was real. The trip simmered, and my mother was banging on the floor. It was over and my mind was balanced. I was back to the beginning.

Psi Wheel

As of lately a boy has befriend me. It was quite random, we started talking about a month ago. He was no stranger, we have been in conversation before. But like everything else, there is a side which we do not see. I shrugged him out like he was another zombied teenager. In a way, it all worked out to this exact point. He has wished I do not speak of these things to other people. But they are a part of me just as much as him, so it is very important I write the words down but leave him as a non existing organism. The conversation began,' your loss is everyone's loss'. My mind was quickly reorganizing the information into how I would percieve the words previously mentioned. My actions affect things closest to me. The first lesson was truly learnt. I found this repulsive and ordered where the source of such thoughts and words could have come from. I was silly to say, it was definately no secret. The conversations progressed, and my trust was slowly growing stronger. Information was transfered, a connection was established.

The psyche.
Many days later, a conversation was brought up about the psyche and was it is. If it is believable or myth. A date was in mind. One night he was in the same room as me. My own room that is. Conversations arose, and drawings were drawn. Psi wheels moved. And to the both of us, our beliefs grew stronger. We had accomplished what we had set out to do. Use our minds to move objects in the physical world. A task almost everyone has doubted. This action gave me so many ideas. Ideas on how the world worked, now and before. How people had used this secret before. The secret of faith. It applied to all religions. Faith. To believe in something truly, will give you a positive outcome. Do not doubt, but have faith in the outcome. It explained how large numbers of people and their faith could do the unthinkable. Because they believed. Wether it be in god, or buddha, or yourself. When you believe you will never be saddened by what the universe throws back at you. We were amazed. So amazed.

Books were swaped, pictures were taken. He left and I had been dubbed with a disease. This morning I went to Emergency to find out I had influenza. Hurrah! Dear god, I don't think I've ever actually had the 'flu' before, because I thought I was dying this morning. Well I get the week off work before I go to Vancouver so it's alright, time to relax I suppose. He is coming over tomorrow night again I think. To practice our mind powers and smoke numerous cigarettes. It will be an evening I look forward to.

Life and all aspects VI

Okay so I've been thinking today. And I mean ...thinking. If we're energy of the universe, then couldn't we be like... cells of the universe? So really if I were to explain what I thought our purpose was somebody might think I was insane. But I believe our universe is the mind of something. I'm not quite sure what that something is. I'm kind of thinking along the tracks of a godly person. But more... not energies. Forces maybe? No it needs a different name. No... energy. We're recycled energy. Just like the energy in our bodies and other kinds of life. Life is intelligence. For humans are fairly intelligent. But we are as self actualizing as a scorpion. But we have higher minds and should know that the only way to make things work out to the best of ways is to act and understand as though it's normal. Do you understand? The only way to make things better in the world is to just accept and understand people. Help out as best you can to give your energy to the other people, who are like cells of the universe. And much like the cells give energy to other cells to help better us. It's all the same thing. Reincarnation, past lives, exchanging energy, recycled wisdom. Ugh I'm such a scatterbrain. It's kind of hard to explain all this. Whatever, all I know is that the world makes so much sense now. It's unfortunate we're slowly killing ourselves.
Maybe it's just not making enough sense in the english dictionary. What I'm trying to say that is. But this theory I'm trying to explain sounds more final on the words that 'We are what we appear to be and we should accept for the better'. It's kind of like, we're here because we are, is the attitude needed to make life better. I dunno people should just wise up man. Maybe that's what we need to teach the world. That it is better not to ask questions and be happy and giving to others. This will increase a better environment for us all to flourish in. Hmm reincarnation sounds good right now. But mixed with the idea of energies being reborn on a higher level. Because we are energy. We're condensed energy. And our universe may be one of the other condensed energy forces. As I was thinking that the universe is like our body and our atoms are like us, just doing their part to help us. And it's mixed with being real. Hmm maybe I'm saying I believe in what everything is. Urg this is difficult. Life is as life is. And we are born to be. Maybe it's intelligence. No. It just is. the key to true happiness is just believing and give. I don' tknow. It could be a kind of religion, if people wanted to believe that way. You just need to, face things and the universe will grow plentiful and life will be peaceful. I think people just need to live by that. Screw all other religions. They just need to listen to how to live life. Ok found my mind. We just need to give to others. That by giving love on an emotional level. Give to them on a material level. Giving to them in a way to help them grow in a better way. Our purpose is to give. There's no need to question that. And what people need to do is help all the world leaders and people/cells across the globe that we need to give at these times. So take care of your mind. And treat yourself healthy before others. Because we need to have energy for others rather than not have enough for yourself. It's basically what our purpose is. Okay i'm not going to blab to eric because he's getting weirded out. Maybe the world is getting too complex. We've lost the ability to live in harmony with one another. If we lived as simple as in the past times it would be beautiful. Bah. i'm lost.

Energy - Science Ramblings

Allow...ramble mode.

Energy; the cycle

From the moment we are concieved... we are transmitting energy. Energy from our mothers and the world around. Our mothering body is intaking energy from the food she finds. And aswell, giving us and the rest of the world energy back. This food recieving energy from it's time of birth, from it's mother (the earth) and fathering factors, such as the sun, the rain and other growing needs. And then serving it's energy onwards to the higher bodies of life in the form of food. As time lags on, through the period, we give and take as neccessary. And this continues until we die. And then it is our turn to give back all energy stored up, to the earth. Thus, a continuous circle of energy transfers.

I find it hard to imagine that we're all sources of energy. Not sources, but... we are energy. Everything we do, every thought we think. Every sound we make. It's just energy. And when we get the wrong sources of energy, we create negative energies. This is bad.

A theory on Energy Forces and Past Lives

(continuous ramble mode)

I've been thinking it over, and come to this sort of conclusion:

Past lives: people's previous energy forces along with memories and life lessons.

I came upon this idea through energy thinking. If we're giving back energy when we die... it's being reused. Reused by someone else. Or in food, or weather or anything else. The energy of the past people is being used for our sake.

Anyways on with the thinking.

If a person's soul has not learned life lessons, it is sent back; reincarnated. In it's next life it is born with the memories of the former host. Then with the past expieriences, it is able to learn new life lessons until at the greatest. - I looked into this after thinking it through. It comes out to Buddhism and that related. But a little bit different. I'm still a little sketchy on the details. I'm changing my mind on a few. Onwards!

I've come to believe... the stars and constellations influence our actions; how we appear to other people, our personalities. From the time we are born, we are set. And with knowing our flaws, it can help better us. The stars are a continuous impact(ion?) on the energy forces(us).

So... we could all just be forces of the universe... correct me?

Which draws to conclusion. The cycles continue, until eventually the world is consumed with negative forces it will destroy itself, while the universe slowly grows and evetually creates other forms of energy.

So really if you think about this deeplier... we're all just concentrated forms of energy. We're so alive, moving with particles and cells, atoms and multiplying parts. Constantly.

The Universe: Like the body

Each soul is like a cell. Giving other; helping the host grow to be better. We're all just helping ourselves survive. Much like the cells in our body. When we have an infection... our cells automatically begin blocking out, and fixing the problem. This leads me to my next topic, karma. if you think of the universe as our body... and a cell is unable to function, the body would have to balance out this action by sending in more cells, or creating better cells to make up for this flaw. Much like karma in our world. For every bad action, there is a positive to balance it out. The universe is balancing out itself to be content, or hopefully, better. Like a self-sufficient resource.

Honestly... find me a 15 year old girl who thinks about these thoughts all the time. We'll be best friends I'll tell you. These thoughts were struck by a session with Toni and Matt. Great people... and they can hit the right words to make you wander endlessly. Mmm about a week ago too. This pushed my mind on the correct track, and now I've got my head up a bit more. I'm sure there's more I can add at some time... perhaps when I write my book of uh.. my book.

Paxil; a day without

Wow, I thought I just wrote a bunch of stuff down.. turns out I didn't... I was just thinking about it. WEIRD. Anyways, today was funish... Toni phoned be right as I woke up. Actually, I woke up right before she did. I looked at my phone and it started ringing. I was like..woah. Toni and I rambled and philosophized, and waltzed around the town. It was amazing. We both had a lot of fun. I can tell. I met a sweet guy named Matt, he almost helped me solve my Life Puzzle. He gave me a lot of new ideas though. I'll write them online later. My friends have inspired me to write a book. Once I have a more set idea of what I've been thinking I'll forsure write down everything. I also want to get a more set idea of my Cartoon Acid story. I've kind of grown away from the idea of Kristi falling inlove. Toni has changed my mind to the more, kid's problems track and learning to cope kind of. I don't know. i need a better story line. I have the feelings, emotions, and character set out, but where is she going? What's she supposed to do? She should learn some kind of lesson. Learn to trust the universe? Learn to follow your heart? No hearts are GAY. Learn to.... cope with emotions. No.... Learn to... Some life lesson. I need to figure it out though. I had a fight with my mom today. An actual fight. Well, she brought it up, so I stood my grounds. I'm wise, she needs to understand the advice I'm giving her. Well, I guess she's hardheaded like me and needs to learn it herself. She just can't see clear enough to get it. But one day. One day. Ugh, I was going to spend the night at Tinu's, but I kind of chickened out in the end. I'm not sure what, but something about my room is too attatching right now. It's like my home. Well, obviously. But like, my special home. I think best in it. Well, tomorrow is my science test, hopefully I do good on it. If not.. Fuck the system. Haha. Owell, anyways I think I'm going to pass out now.

Paxil Day 7/8

It's 2 am on Tuesday morning. I had an interesting talk with a close family friend. It was quite pleasing. She actually listened. Today was.. alright. I had an English exam, though I've already mentioned. I think I did alright on it. I did have a traumatizing wake up call though, right before the examination. I think it was due to the emense crowd of people around me. Hmm. Well... I haven't slept for quite some time. Actually, today is the second night I have not slept. I didn't even nap today. I went for a walk around, though it's pretty chilly out. I layed on a picnic table and looked at the stars. Well, mainly the moon. There was a light shining in my eyes when I looked straight up so that sucked. I'm lost for words right now. I feel like a total droid. wepfoiwjfiwfjpawoignoavpiwmecpdifjwe;lafkjPOIQowijfaw'opegj;ld woiefnwefoiwafjpowijfasoeiwpefjwaoifj;. There's my input on life. Eric and I are to look at the stars later this week. I look forward to it. I have a sore in my mouth, it hurts. Oh man, last night feels like forever ago. I feel so empty, it's dreadful. It's like there's something missing. And no, I'm not hungry. I've tried stuffing my face all day but I end up with little satisfaction and a diseased feeling. I don't even feel like I'm real right now. This is so fake to me. FAKE. Like a mooooovie. I'm talking to Andrew. It's interesting. He's talking about revelations or something. i'm not paying attention. It's too hard right now. weofijw;alekfjwoifjwpofijas;lejfa;lsekjfwoifj. Gah. I am ghastly bored. Wrong context. Don't care. So bored.

Paxil Day 6 3/4

Here I am. Again. Sleeping is pointless. I only say that because it never comes when I want it to. It seems that I'm sensitive. (Ok yes, rambling mode) I don't doubt that I'm being impacted by hormones and all that teenage shit. Everyone does. It doesn't effect others as much as some. I do agree, I have problems with depression and anxiety. And I can infact say, my hormones are intensifying everything. I'm not fucking retarded. I know everything, people should know that by now.*a joke,haha* I'm not a stupid kid who doesn't know what's happening. I just can't understand. And especially now, it makes it so much harder. I'm 'finding ' myself. And all that shit. I'm trying to 'understand' myself. Everyone does. It takes time for some people. Other people don't pay much attention and it just comes naturally. They can cope with things better than some. Some don't eat, sleep. A lot just party. I can piece it together. I think. You see, the brain matures, and it's around now to 20 years until the brain is 'fully matured'.Statistically. And inorder for a child's brain to mature, they have to face their barriers. People do drugs, and drink. These phases pass. Some kids take it out on themselves. Depression isn't new. More people are just following that path. Especially kids because the world is growing so fuckedly** that it's impacting the 'future', aka. kids, more. People do stupid things, and it's part of growing up. Learning. Experiencing. Finding out what's good and bad. It helps you grow as a person. What happens when you go through adolescence knowing this? I have a concious. I can tell what's good and bad. A lot of choices are rough. There's so many things I don't want to face right now. I don't want to face the fact that a lot of my friends are people I never wanted in my life. A lot of people I couldn't accept, not because they're different, but because that's not who I want impacting me. I don't want to have to look gorgeous all the time, or think that wearing something special will make me a different person. It's true, looks affect you. But sometimes the wrong way. And sometimes the right way. EI: If you're feeling shitty and dress up giving confidence on a certain day. Some people only care about that. I for one, do not. Looks can go to hell, because when I talk to someone, I don't look at them, I look in them. And find what I want to see. Some people are fucking ugly inside, and that's ok because that's who they are. I accept it, but I'm not going to tolerate it. I'm not going to base my life around people who are fucking discusting inside.

I know where I'm at most of the time, I just feel like I'm alone on it. Insanely alone.


PS: FUCK YOU, ADS BY GOOGLE, WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVIDE ANSWERS FOR ME? YOU CAN"T JUST CURE EVERYTHING THROUGH THE INTERNET, GROW UP.

Paxil Day 6 1/2

I've been feeling worse. It's growing. This feeling. This horrible feeling. Come to think of it. There aren't any feelings right now. I'm completely numb. Stupid as it sounds. I'm not tired. I'm not hungry. I'm not happy or sad. Actually. I think I'm just mad. At myself. Whatever. Hurry up and pass over me fucking emotions before I slit your throat and scoff at your pain.

Paxil Day 6

I did not sleep last night. I laid awake on my bedroom floor and listened to the furnace. I felt so alone, you have no possible idea. I don't understand how someone could feel this way. But I do. And it's horrible. I feel that way now too. Not as bad. But almost. My head keeps throbbing. Yes I know, I whine. I'm freezing, but I thought I should write something down. Today was a little better. I was feeling happy at one point. A man came to my house name K-jal and we played guitar. We talked about music, and it was fun for the time. It didn't stay that way unfortunately. After he left my emotions sloped downwards. Alice is asleep and I feel no need to wake her. For she was awake all night aswell and I think it would be intrusive to talk to her. I feel so dependant on my friends for happiness. I used to be happy alone. I used to want to be alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. This feeling is growing worse. It's my mind. My 'beautiful' mind. As he might say. Beautiful. Ha. It's a curse. Why do I think of these things? Who thinks of these things? Nobody! I'm alone on thought. I want my mind to vacate elsewhere, so I can be totally alone instead of with it. That's my biggest fear I think. I'll be alone with my mind forever. I guess I will, in a way. And it's thinking that way that will make me like that. But I can't help but think it, and then how it will progress, and how it will become fatal and permanant. A fatal disease, of the mind. The worst kind. Soon after it's diseased it will run away. So I'll be losing my diseased mind, and my sanity aswell. I can picture it all too well. I'm in a white room. With an army cot in the corner. But I'm sitting in the opposite corner, screaming obscenities. Then a rush of 'nurses' come in, about five of them, struggling to hold me down. And then I see a nurse grab a needle full of some chemical and jab it into my neck. AH. The thought's revolting. The feel of a long shaft being inserted into your neck. Right in the side. Sliding slowly, or being rushed in fast. I dont' know which would be most painful. Then the feel of the chemicals gushing into my blood. And my adrenaline rushes to the highest it's ever been, then suddenly dropping. And I'm content. For now.

Paxil Day 5

Today was eventless. I slept all day. Forever it seems. My room feels warmer than most places. Perhaps I feel most comfortable there. No other places can match the feeling it gives me. I fear I may not sleep tonight.

Paxil Day 4

Today was a nervous wreck. Well not as terrible as yesterday, but I had an awful feeling. In my gut. All day. At one point I was tasting vinegar in my mouth. Not pleasurable. My mind felt like I was away on a cloud. I could not concentrate, eat, sleep. I was a robot. I'm robotic. I was alone most of the day. I went to the library and found pleasure in a book about Death and the afterlife. It was mainly about the mind though and what people think about Death. There were no certainties. I've spoken hardly anything, but when people talked to me I could reply like a normal kid and not some freakish anxious child. I don't like it.

Paxil Day 3

It feels asthough I have not slept for days. Or better description; that it's all just been one day. My whole life has been but one long tiring day. I was tired all day, but I did manage to do a mega load of Chemistry done. My brain felt as if it were about to explode, soaking up all those elements. I did learn quite a few interesting things though. And have been thinking on a subject for quite sometime. This subject is Space. What's out there? How'd it come to be? My Class was studying nuclear fusion today and it got me wondering. If stars can be created through nuclear fusion, couldn't a planet evolve from that? I'm not too clear on the details, but my basic theory is that the Sun created a miniature Earth by nuclear fusion, when the right elements were there at the right time. This miniature Earth was able to evolve and grow to the way it is today. So basically, we're all coincidences.

It's interesting, that's for sure.

Paxil Day 2

Later last night I awoke from my nap and began feeling the effects of Paxil starting to work. My house seemed strange, and the dark was my foe. Today was quite peculiar aswell. I felt asthough I wanted to jump out of my skin all through class. But at lunch time Stefannie and I split to downtown. We wandered aimlessly, hardly talking. Exciting anyways. I've been talking to a boy named Davis. I feel sad for Toni to feel so jealous that I even want to be his friend. I would never do anything to hurt her, but maybe she'll begin to understand i don't want that kind of relationship with Davis. I hope. He's quite peculiar. But interesting.

Paxil

Today was odd. I awoke and went to school as usual. I tried to keep the day as neutral as possible. English and Science seemed to blur into one another, but I do remember a science experiement with Smarties. At lunch I sat in the library and walked around for a while. Third block was pointless. My new friend 'Joyce' took me out of class and we talked over various subjects. After returning I decided to check out some books on 'Existentialism'. I figured it was a better way to spend my class time than sitting infront of a computer reading nothing. My last block was used as catch up in science, as I truly need it. As a result of the quick power outage, school was let out early but my mother was not where she had said to be. In a panic, I could feel my heart racing. I could feel it coming. I hate it when that happens. I've decided to call these 'episodes' panic attacks, because maybe that's what they are and it just seems better than saying 'episodes'. It felt like everything was wrong. I decided to walk to the doctors, but on the way I saw her and jumped in the van. We went to the doctors where I was questioned infinately until I stopped answering. Her final verdict was a perscription to some pills called 'Paxil'. I took a pill about two hours ago. I can hardly feel any effects, but my house does seem strange.