Paxil Day 6

I did not sleep last night. I laid awake on my bedroom floor and listened to the furnace. I felt so alone, you have no possible idea. I don't understand how someone could feel this way. But I do. And it's horrible. I feel that way now too. Not as bad. But almost. My head keeps throbbing. Yes I know, I whine. I'm freezing, but I thought I should write something down. Today was a little better. I was feeling happy at one point. A man came to my house name K-jal and we played guitar. We talked about music, and it was fun for the time. It didn't stay that way unfortunately. After he left my emotions sloped downwards. Alice is asleep and I feel no need to wake her. For she was awake all night aswell and I think it would be intrusive to talk to her. I feel so dependant on my friends for happiness. I used to be happy alone. I used to want to be alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. This feeling is growing worse. It's my mind. My 'beautiful' mind. As he might say. Beautiful. Ha. It's a curse. Why do I think of these things? Who thinks of these things? Nobody! I'm alone on thought. I want my mind to vacate elsewhere, so I can be totally alone instead of with it. That's my biggest fear I think. I'll be alone with my mind forever. I guess I will, in a way. And it's thinking that way that will make me like that. But I can't help but think it, and then how it will progress, and how it will become fatal and permanant. A fatal disease, of the mind. The worst kind. Soon after it's diseased it will run away. So I'll be losing my diseased mind, and my sanity aswell. I can picture it all too well. I'm in a white room. With an army cot in the corner. But I'm sitting in the opposite corner, screaming obscenities. Then a rush of 'nurses' come in, about five of them, struggling to hold me down. And then I see a nurse grab a needle full of some chemical and jab it into my neck. AH. The thought's revolting. The feel of a long shaft being inserted into your neck. Right in the side. Sliding slowly, or being rushed in fast. I dont' know which would be most painful. Then the feel of the chemicals gushing into my blood. And my adrenaline rushes to the highest it's ever been, then suddenly dropping. And I'm content. For now.