Time does not exist, only what we gain

Happy 100th post!

I had to add that. As I progress through this journey labeled 'life', I begin to notice what drives others apart. Why must our age (time of being conscious) matter at all? Let me ask you a question. If you were a business owner hiring for your company what would you look for? Would you look for someone who was 19? And what would your logic be? Why must you boycott the youngings? What if you did hire a 19 year old and five days later after they had been trained of everything you realize what a complete moron this 'adult' is? Now think back to a 14 year old. If you know you learn best when you are young, wouldn't it make more sense to hire a younger person as their grey matter in their mind is not yet completed it's course and they are still able to learn certain functions or lessons while applying them to their job or life? In my experience, hiring a younger person than an older person is probably a much wiser decision. They do what they're told, and if they don't that's your fault and your'e the shitty employer.

I know for a fact that I am more intellectually advanced than most 'kids' my 'age' and even more a vast population of 'adults'. And I also know a far group of 'kids' my 'age' who are aswell. I make more money than my parents do and I'm not aloud to open a mutual funds acount because I'm not legally 19 years of age. This is the government's law. They do this because they know 'kids' are smarter than they were before now. I could be a millionaire twice over by the time I'm 25 if I did open a mutual funds acount right now. And they're afraid of us. They're afraid to lose power, you can't deny.

The same thing could be said about my mother now that I think of it. She's scared of me because she knows I could be more powerful on my own than here at home. I am just too lazy to make plans to get out of here. I think when I am 16 and know a bit more about legalities and what sorts of courses I can take from the college I will leave this house and never return. Until then, I wish death upon this family or atleast they can set some goals to get a house away from this one I am currently residing in. That was harsh... but I'm in that state. And now I'm not in a good state at all because my mother is trying to fix my life. I don't understand what sort of joy you can get out of trying to gain control over another's 'life'. We are here to bask in the sun and live a good life and reproduce and when others try to stop you from doing so it is quite 'illogical'. And I'm not being a teenager like everyone else. I want to work and I'm not aloud to? I'm not aloud to work and make my own financial life for myself? If I fail Math I'm not aloud to work anymore? Who the hell can do that? And when my father takes us to a foreign country and drinks my money down then threatens to kill me if I don't leave, I get hassled that I'm not able to take care of myself? I can do a much better job on my own of taking care of myself than sitting here smoking marijuana. I'm not John Lennon or Yoko Ono, that's what I got told today. I also got told that I was stupid, immature, unable to take care of myself, a failure at life and illogical. Thanks I like hearing that from people I live with. Sorry I am complaining about my life a tad much tonight, but I think it's best I get it out whilst I can or else it will be 'locked inside' forever. Which really, would be fine with me. You know that the nurons and electrons in your brain are creating bonds between eachother, emotions and memories everytime you remember a specific incident and how you felt. The more you think about it the more the bonds become stronger. So really the only way to deal with it is have a yell about and forget about it and remember what you've learned. This relates to my 'time does not exist'. If people focused on what they know, not how they got it, and applied it to their lives... they wouldn't keep making the same mistakes. If people didn't make the connection of emotions and memories they wouldn't feel shitty all the time and mope about their life. That is why I am writing about this now, so that "tomorrow" when I go to school this night will have not existed, yet only the knowledge I have gained through it. Now the question is... what have I learned? I learned that the only thing people have against me is my age and the fact that I like to smoke marijuana. Now if the government allowed marijuana smoking they would not be able to use that against me. My age? Well how else does it fuck me over except the fact that it is 'illegal' which to me is 'illogical' which to them I am 'illogical' so therefore we are all 'illogical' in the eyes of one another. But that's okay, because I like to create my own reality and not have it paved before me thanks. I think I will just start saving my money, put it away and just save and save until I have enough to travel where ever. Or to South America and open up a store there. Also I'm sure if I did want to move to a town and they had a McDonald's Jack would give them a heads up or a good word about me. Hence I am one of the most well respected persons there. And when I say well respected I mean, people like me because I do my job well, and I'm not a retard like a high majority of the staff.

Moving on to brighter topics I have a tree on my leg. I did finish watching the movies 'The Secret' today and also 'What the bleep do we know?'. They are both most fabulous movies and have indeed helped me become more aware of my surroundings. I did my daily rituals, paid my bills then took Dillos out for tea and biscuits. I told him about my next topic for book writing. And I think I ought to begin that now. I think this idea will progress much farther, faster, than my other idea. It is more layed out already and I have great details about it. The moral of the story is 'be yourself' obviously. The guy's pretending to be a Ukrainian architect. I'm not sure what will help him see the light, that's the one part I haven't planned out yet, but I could probably write half the book while figuring it out. Cartoon Acid is a bit on the 'hold' because I think I need to experience some more life in order to find more light for her. The third topic I had for a book was not fictional, but more so non-fictional. It has to do with understanding other people. This is a quick idea and the details aren't so great but hopefully with a little time they will come to me. Actually, they will I know. I wish my grandmother's old labtop worked because then I could write my scripts in my room since writing with a pencil takes too long and by the time I write out a sentence the next thought has passed.

Well, my money making scheme isn't quite finished. I've hit a glitch, which is greatly major... but I think I can make due with a different savings account until I am 'legally' responsible for my actions. Maybe I just won't even trust the bank and just save every penny I earn from now til I die... or turn 19 and then put it in a mutual fund. Here I go blabbering about everything. Another note on my making money, I've began blogging to get paid. Which is delightful if you ask me. Although I don't know if people would be interested in my thoughts... though great if you are! It's amazing they have these sorts of things out on the internet. Also my google ads are going good. My goal for April is to 'attract' more traffic to my site using the laws of attraction and then I will get more clicks and more cash. Not that it matters to me, but it is very interesting and gives me a good feeling to get money for writing. I wonder if I can apply at the local newspaper for a column... The probability is low, because I am infact... of an illegal age. But I wonder if people would be more interested in reading about the thoughts of an unidentified person about the world and all matter in it. Maybe... I know I would be. I think if I take anything out of highschool it will have to be associated with English because I know there is so much more to know about writing. And I know that with more knowledge of the english language I could apply it far greater than sciences or math... mainly because I just have the passion to write and absolutely LOVE to! So... why stop? I think I shall keep writing until my brain bleeds.

I've decided to fast over the weekend. I do fast spontainiously sometimes, but usually only for a day or two, but this time I think I am going to see how long I can fast for. Once you pass the point of not feeling hunger it is easier to go a bit longer. If Jesus can do it for over a month, I'm sure I can do it just as long. Also I never eat that much anyways, once or twice a day. It's good not to eat sometimes, you get the feel of what some other people are going through. I'm sure somtimes it's not too bad for them. I think I could survive homeless very good that way since I hardly eat anything I would hardly need anything. Maybe just a waterbottle at my side and dinner every second night or so. Plus if you're homeless you wouldn't need so much energy anyways because...well what are you doing all day but sitting around? Though if I was homeless... I wouldn't be for long. I would naturally apply at places and find a job somewhere. There are so many jobs kicking around. ( I was going to say something about my father, though I decided it would be not very pleasant so I have refrained from doing so) Moving on.

I just had another quick thought... though it disapeared. Tsk tsk. I was thinking about Josh, and now I feel horrible that I was being so ignorant to him the other night. Than an idea came to me. Where is it now? No idea. It is unfortunate I have not been able to write about things tonight and mainly my life. It will come to me.

PS... Dillos got me a new tea pot. :)

A Dazzling Connection

Confetti Stain

Wow, I cannot believe the great amount of spelling errors one can create without any notice of it. A factor contributing to this could also be Andrew's broken labtop. The screen seems to fuzz constantly, making the image almost entirely alien. So then at one point I was not fixing it but only typing the words I was thinking until what I was writing was complete. But I think I am going to be writing a little bit slower and make sure everything makes sense.

And now, what else is there that I can say. Well last night I met Andrew's landlord. Quite a character in himself. And by in himself I really do mean, in himself. Full of himself, so to speak. I think his character is quite greedy a lot of the time. Not too greedy, no, but enough greed to make him stupid or if not entirely, act that way. We ordered a pizza and watched a documentary dvd of a behind the scenes event. I am not sure what the concert was but there was a variety of musicians playing at the time. Ben Harper, some weird Jesus band, and then there was the bass player from Phish aswell. This is where the boasting and high on yourself attitude came out most to me. 'Haha, oh boy it's Mike' he began the conversation as.

'Almost as good in person, did I ever tell you I drove him to the first concert I went to? Yeah we blah blah blah'.

I guess it was pretty cool his grandfather drove Mike from Phish to his own concert. But the way he carried it on through out the entire night, and then made sure nearly every word he spoke was related to him and a famous person some how was really annoying. But I cannot be judgemental, but only ask,' Why?'. Ofcourse I had to wonder about this. Why did he act this way. Lack of friends, I am guessing he did not have many friends in school or now. Maybe a few good ones, but they only took advantage of him and his music. Probably always wanted to be a rockstar,but never made it quite that far. Though I hear he went pretty far. I'm not sure, I cannot pretend I know what he's like. But maybe an idea will come about. I can understand Andrew, but I don't think I'll broadcast that. I can see my mother, and my father... actually... I can't even understand my father. I could probably understand everyone but.

This journey has taught me so much already, I cannot even know the kinds of lessons I might learn further on. I should probably check my phone. There is no doubt my mother probably called me. I wonder if I should also have a shower........ Mmmmmm no. Showers are discusting! Yep, I am right. One new message, from... my home! Yay... sarcasm. Jesus could accept his parents, I cannot. Or I simply just don't care for those types of persons. Maybe Jesus' parents were perfect while mine aren't and maybe his parents accepted him for what he was... a psychokinetic freak. They were accepting, we aren't I guess. I have no idea what I am listening to, but it sounds alright. My legs are aching with pain, but it is a good pain I guess. I am going to go to the magic shop today and buy something for my brother since I know he'd want something. I am also shipping my new record player along with my new records to my home today :) Oh yes. I wish I could move my room to any country. Yes my room is so comfortable, I love it most. It is the gross location I dislike. Perhaps that only shows me there is good in the bad. I'm not sure. Sooo many tiny lessons to learn. I have been writing songs like crazy. It's good I think. I also have a design somewhat of what I want my tattoo to look like. He wants to design it, but I want to give him some ideas of what I want and I think I have it now. I can't believe I ate 3 pieces of pizza. But I guess I didn't really eat anything today. Or yesterday, since today is a new day. Brr I hope the weather is warm out. I reallylike how I am just writing out my thoughts and what I wonder...maybe I should keep on. Dammit now I've stopped. Boy I sure do love Sublime. Well I guess maybe I should be off Chow.

I got this picture off of Sublime's Myspace page. Something told me I should put it on my blog.

Vansterdam

Vancouver; Vansterdam. Here I am. I am here. Am I here? Here am I. The bus ride was horrifying, actually it was quite nice. I am going to fight to bring my guitar on board though I think.... well maybe not. Perhaps I can just write and think more than play since I have been doing so much of that on the streets. My fingers have began bleeding. Most interesting, yet unkind, but I suppose that is what happens after a couple hours. I made nearly 6 dollars yesterday, two locations; One was on a bench outside a tiny bakery; the other was on a ferris boat, and that was were I made a majority of the cash. The young hockey playing boys were kind enough to show so interest. We also talked a bit about their musical history. I try to persuay them to make a band and get famous. Everyone should think about that once in a while, haha.

But... the streets of Vancouver. Boy... where do I begin? I saw many people sitting around, without any food, or money or a home even. They just sat there, with a hat open and a few nickels were there in it's company. One woman startled me as she appeared to be moving from one person to the next, then in my turn yelling ',Good bye!!! See you laterorororororor". Another man stood out from me, he seemed not so old, around 45 years old. My father's age even. Slightly scruffed, and enough close to keep in warm in the weather. He sat there by the bus stop bending the neck of a guitar since the trust rod had not been built into it before. This causes the neck to bend now and then, warp. He seemed frustrated in tuning the beast. So I kindly played my G string for him, maybe I should of even tuned it for him, poor guy. Still I was wondering where he might have gone wrong to end up the way he was. Was he homeless? First that was my question, Was he a druggy? Maybe he was. He seemed quite calm about life, not too high on it. Where was his family? did he have one? Or his parents, how old are they? So many questions, the kind of questions you just want to know because it could be a memorable choice, to ask someone these questions at one point in your life. Especially if you might be a materialistic preppy slob or somewhat of that area. Then it could be a little bit easier for one to understand a little bit more about the person on that street at that time you are walking off to your next cappiccinno.

Last day on earth

So here I am, 12 hours away from my ride out into the unknown universe. This is also known as Vancouver. The buses must be running. I have not been thinking lately, or perhaps I have... I need to create another reality, this one has gotten desperately boring. I think I will be writing a lot on this trip, yes, the bus ride will be painful without thoughts and words and sketch pads. I need to pack.

Ordinary Friedday

I've began writing more parts to Cartoon Acid. This passage is one, in which I find a small connection with:

The flowers were reborn, one after another. Replenishing constantly. She blinked and looked away from the couch. Her eyes slowly climbed through the rug and over the desk. Looking through the window and out into the shady landscape. It was beautiful. Without a doubt in her mind, she knew the sun would rise up tomorrow.

It is hardly much, but it is a start for now. Atleast I am writing something now. Bah. This could be quite frightening though, to write as much as I once did. To enter my realm of psychosis. Boy. Perhaps, I like it. I will venture back soon. He came over again today. And a terrible accident occured. My record player had fallen, due to my own stupidity, onto my precious tea pot. Both items are as useless as I. Pathetic. I am so. Maybe if I had a logical brian, this would not have occurred in the first place. Perhaps... maybe. We're off again tomorrow, to maybe buy a new tea pot. Maybe baby. I am not sure. I have been waiting for Davis to help me with this game. I am useless, can't even kill a snail. What good am I? To anyone? This is quite depressing. I suck haha. And now here's Tom with the weather. Sometimes I like to pretend I am god. I guess I could be in a way. Creator of my own destiny, a godly figure. I am not sure. I have been playing more guitar than usual. Which is good, although... the bus ride could be cancelled, we just will not think of that now will we? No. That is the answer.


My father is a beast tonight. He drank tonight. But, did he drink because of me then? My mother had mentioned to him something about smoking and he freaked out which I am not sure why. He should just fuck off because we are not family. Not I and that thing. I have no guilt, if he did drink because of me. I am his bastard child, yes I like to make it sound as discusting as possible. This family is discusting. I just need to, live in the now. Soak up the good, and kill off the bad, then leave when I get the chance. Adios ameigos.

Trip to dream

My dream last night, was different. Perhaps a redo of Nananaland. Who knows. I was in a circus it seemed. Or fair or somesort. I am not sure, but I think I was there with a class of some sort. Although I do not remember anyone specifically from the class, there were people with me nonetheless. We walked into a tent, we were waiting for something. Like a line in an amusement park. Waiting and waiting. I saw some cotton candy, or something refrenced it to my attention. Mmm cotton candy seemed good then. The line slowly got shorter. As I stood there. In the dark, it got darker. There was little light to begin with. Bars surrounding me, keeping me in order. The line in order; the people in order. I looked over the edge, but could not tell if it was a hole or just the darkness. No knowledge if it was safe or not. But the bars seemed to give me the undesired protection anyways. I arrived at the entrance to the next room. I got into a cart. It was a rollercoaster type cart. I got inside, and felt it move. It moved forward and backwards. So fast, or slow. It was dark, I could not tell. The wind told me, though it was not a reliable source as to the speed I was at. I should also add I was screaming constantly. Screaming. I would never scream in 'real life'. Perhaps in my head, but not out loud. The cart was off track and took me to a place I would never expect. A business lounge. I got out and there were shoes hanging from it. I puked and continued screaming. There was not even anything to scream at, nor even an odd thing around. But my screaming continued and I awoke with a ringing in my ears. I can understand it to a certain degree. Then it just stops making sense in my eyes.

Conpuzzle Insition

Well I've returned from Davis'. It was there Tinu came to. We had a jolly time and played the games of Super Nintendo. This song, is wholesome. He has been puzzling me. When he needs me. Someone needs me. Needed me. Does this mean now? Or before? He wishes there was a person like me before now when he needed them most? I think this is the first time someone has told me they actually need me. Wait. Sophie, once. When I was in a drunken rage. It was then. No more. Sophie. I don't. Ugh. Breathe. Wish it all away. My hands are skeletons, with meat from the animals on them. No more. Flesh and bone, nothing else. Wish away. Lizard green. At peace here. Wishful thinking. Thinking wishfully. Wished away. He is the lizard king? We're all kings, lizard kings. I am a scorpion. Everything I am, reflects their atitude. I am a scorpion. Scorpio. Rather kill myself, than be killed by another. Is it just in my nature? To kill things while their good in fear of what could be? Maybe. I think so. It's not even a chore. I just do it. Perhaps this is why I've decided to move on from Eric. I feel nothing there, frankly because he's never said he's needed me. I want to feel needed. I don't. It's not a good feeling. Of just.. being. Objects hardly used must feel terrible. They're not needed, they're just there. To make someone feel good when they want. I'm an object. Not anymore. I am a wild... thing.
I cannot be tamed of my nature, I am what I am, because that's how I was made.

Mushroomishmash

Today was yesterday combined. The unnamed one came over once again, only around later afternoon yesterday. Cigarettes were smoked; chainsmokers. We let our own stories unfold, our hopes and dreams, all that was and is was brought aware. Images were drawn and our aura's were let into presence. John and Yoko were repeated throughout the night, over and over, sometimes Beethoven and AC/DC. Time did not exist, and would not for sometime. There was a point, we did fall into a lapse of the unconscious and was it then that I realized this was amazing. We awoke in the morning, he constructed a breakfast of jam and cheese on toasted bread. It was 'god sent' as he put it. God sent. As the day progressed we made our way down town, to Read's Books, where I stole him a pack of Tarot cards, haha you would have needed to see his face. It was like a small child at Christmas time. He said it was a happy moment. We continued down town to the Public Library were we had planned to injest some mushrooms. Although, these were no ordinary mushrooms, and I'm sure you can guess. Magic Mushrooms. Yes. Magic. Haha. More like food poisoning but we'll keep it sacred. We had also decided to rid the Library of some of their more intellectual books for his sake. It was fun. And funny! and you can imagine why I guess haha. He was filled with books, head to toe, or as full as one can be with books. Haha. The trip had begun and it had not even been an hour after ingestion. Everything was good, everything was funny. Or perhaps it actually was funny and not just our perception at the time. We left the place and decided to catch the bus to his place of hommage which was fine with me. The bus, oh the bus, is where it began. We laid in the back, or I did atleast and gazed up at the ceiling. Tiny specks of color continued forming lines across it into different patterns, until atlast... a pattern of continious geckos. Lizards. The lizard king. He said he always sees them while on a trip from Mushrooms. He didn't this time, but I did. We rode the bus for about an hour, and got off at his house. I peered inside to find it a mysterious place. Colors of every here and there. The floor moved everytime I looked away, so I had to look back. It was on going, and kept me puzzled. I found the ceiling most interesting, and there laid my focus for the rest of my trip until we headed down to his room. We talked and drew more images. My mushroom trip wasn't as intense as I thought it could be, but there are other times, and this time was amazing.

Salvia Spots

Tonight was different. The 'unnamed' one came over in the hopes of practicing our psyche powers once again. And the truth; the results were amazing. The psi wheel spun more fluently, although it was a different one than before. He brought wine and salvia, I fed him cheese and bread. Images were drawn. My first salvia trip had begun. 'Ask it what you want to know', the advice was far. In my mind, I thought of what to do, how to plan, should I plan? For my future? Yes or no? Enough pondering. I opened my eyes, and inhaled. I needed a stronger breath. I sucked harder, and harder. It must have been 3 hoots in one. I held it in, until I could not. And then I snapped into some alternate reality. Perhaps not, more as a fairy land. Candyland. Nananaland. He had set before, my mexican blanket. It consisted of a pattern of lines, the main colors were white, black and purple. I was sitting on it. It felt like a new place. I opened my eyes. The smoke cleared. I saw the blanket, and shapes around it. Candyland; Nananaland. He did not exist for those few moments. 'Welcome to Nananaland; Nananaland, nananalandnananalanandlandalndalndalnda' That's all that I could hear. There was no rythm to this tune. It ran in and out of focus, like a lullaby sang wrong. Off key and on. I felt cotton candy, candyland. My blanket was running, teacups were around me. I snapped out. I saw him sitting there watching me. He later told me he was laughing a bit at me. I looked at him and tried explaining. It was difficult. My attention stayed with my blanket while I continued to him. I covered my mouth and kept on. I pushed the blanket away and looked at him. Not only had his face changed, but his entire surroundings. He was mad. His cheeks were red, like a mad man. Hair frizzing out, and the grin quite frightening. But while I found him quite repulsive, I found comfort in his lap? Yes I forced myself into his lap, grasping his legs. I remember asking him,' are you or are you not? ' I needed to know, if he was real. The trip simmered, and my mother was banging on the floor. It was over and my mind was balanced. I was back to the beginning.

Psi Wheel

As of lately a boy has befriend me. It was quite random, we started talking about a month ago. He was no stranger, we have been in conversation before. But like everything else, there is a side which we do not see. I shrugged him out like he was another zombied teenager. In a way, it all worked out to this exact point. He has wished I do not speak of these things to other people. But they are a part of me just as much as him, so it is very important I write the words down but leave him as a non existing organism. The conversation began,' your loss is everyone's loss'. My mind was quickly reorganizing the information into how I would percieve the words previously mentioned. My actions affect things closest to me. The first lesson was truly learnt. I found this repulsive and ordered where the source of such thoughts and words could have come from. I was silly to say, it was definately no secret. The conversations progressed, and my trust was slowly growing stronger. Information was transfered, a connection was established.

The psyche.
Many days later, a conversation was brought up about the psyche and was it is. If it is believable or myth. A date was in mind. One night he was in the same room as me. My own room that is. Conversations arose, and drawings were drawn. Psi wheels moved. And to the both of us, our beliefs grew stronger. We had accomplished what we had set out to do. Use our minds to move objects in the physical world. A task almost everyone has doubted. This action gave me so many ideas. Ideas on how the world worked, now and before. How people had used this secret before. The secret of faith. It applied to all religions. Faith. To believe in something truly, will give you a positive outcome. Do not doubt, but have faith in the outcome. It explained how large numbers of people and their faith could do the unthinkable. Because they believed. Wether it be in god, or buddha, or yourself. When you believe you will never be saddened by what the universe throws back at you. We were amazed. So amazed.

Books were swaped, pictures were taken. He left and I had been dubbed with a disease. This morning I went to Emergency to find out I had influenza. Hurrah! Dear god, I don't think I've ever actually had the 'flu' before, because I thought I was dying this morning. Well I get the week off work before I go to Vancouver so it's alright, time to relax I suppose. He is coming over tomorrow night again I think. To practice our mind powers and smoke numerous cigarettes. It will be an evening I look forward to.