Paxil; a day without

Wow, I thought I just wrote a bunch of stuff down.. turns out I didn't... I was just thinking about it. WEIRD. Anyways, today was funish... Toni phoned be right as I woke up. Actually, I woke up right before she did. I looked at my phone and it started ringing. I was like..woah. Toni and I rambled and philosophized, and waltzed around the town. It was amazing. We both had a lot of fun. I can tell. I met a sweet guy named Matt, he almost helped me solve my Life Puzzle. He gave me a lot of new ideas though. I'll write them online later. My friends have inspired me to write a book. Once I have a more set idea of what I've been thinking I'll forsure write down everything. I also want to get a more set idea of my Cartoon Acid story. I've kind of grown away from the idea of Kristi falling inlove. Toni has changed my mind to the more, kid's problems track and learning to cope kind of. I don't know. i need a better story line. I have the feelings, emotions, and character set out, but where is she going? What's she supposed to do? She should learn some kind of lesson. Learn to trust the universe? Learn to follow your heart? No hearts are GAY. Learn to.... cope with emotions. No.... Learn to... Some life lesson. I need to figure it out though. I had a fight with my mom today. An actual fight. Well, she brought it up, so I stood my grounds. I'm wise, she needs to understand the advice I'm giving her. Well, I guess she's hardheaded like me and needs to learn it herself. She just can't see clear enough to get it. But one day. One day. Ugh, I was going to spend the night at Tinu's, but I kind of chickened out in the end. I'm not sure what, but something about my room is too attatching right now. It's like my home. Well, obviously. But like, my special home. I think best in it. Well, tomorrow is my science test, hopefully I do good on it. If not.. Fuck the system. Haha. Owell, anyways I think I'm going to pass out now.

Paxil Day 7/8

It's 2 am on Tuesday morning. I had an interesting talk with a close family friend. It was quite pleasing. She actually listened. Today was.. alright. I had an English exam, though I've already mentioned. I think I did alright on it. I did have a traumatizing wake up call though, right before the examination. I think it was due to the emense crowd of people around me. Hmm. Well... I haven't slept for quite some time. Actually, today is the second night I have not slept. I didn't even nap today. I went for a walk around, though it's pretty chilly out. I layed on a picnic table and looked at the stars. Well, mainly the moon. There was a light shining in my eyes when I looked straight up so that sucked. I'm lost for words right now. I feel like a total droid. wepfoiwjfiwfjpawoignoavpiwmecpdifjwe;lafkjPOIQowijfaw'opegj;ld woiefnwefoiwafjpowijfasoeiwpefjwaoifj;. There's my input on life. Eric and I are to look at the stars later this week. I look forward to it. I have a sore in my mouth, it hurts. Oh man, last night feels like forever ago. I feel so empty, it's dreadful. It's like there's something missing. And no, I'm not hungry. I've tried stuffing my face all day but I end up with little satisfaction and a diseased feeling. I don't even feel like I'm real right now. This is so fake to me. FAKE. Like a mooooovie. I'm talking to Andrew. It's interesting. He's talking about revelations or something. i'm not paying attention. It's too hard right now. weofijw;alekfjwoifjwpofijas;lejfa;lsekjfwoifj. Gah. I am ghastly bored. Wrong context. Don't care. So bored.

Paxil Day 6 3/4

Here I am. Again. Sleeping is pointless. I only say that because it never comes when I want it to. It seems that I'm sensitive. (Ok yes, rambling mode) I don't doubt that I'm being impacted by hormones and all that teenage shit. Everyone does. It doesn't effect others as much as some. I do agree, I have problems with depression and anxiety. And I can infact say, my hormones are intensifying everything. I'm not fucking retarded. I know everything, people should know that by now.*a joke,haha* I'm not a stupid kid who doesn't know what's happening. I just can't understand. And especially now, it makes it so much harder. I'm 'finding ' myself. And all that shit. I'm trying to 'understand' myself. Everyone does. It takes time for some people. Other people don't pay much attention and it just comes naturally. They can cope with things better than some. Some don't eat, sleep. A lot just party. I can piece it together. I think. You see, the brain matures, and it's around now to 20 years until the brain is 'fully matured'.Statistically. And inorder for a child's brain to mature, they have to face their barriers. People do drugs, and drink. These phases pass. Some kids take it out on themselves. Depression isn't new. More people are just following that path. Especially kids because the world is growing so fuckedly** that it's impacting the 'future', aka. kids, more. People do stupid things, and it's part of growing up. Learning. Experiencing. Finding out what's good and bad. It helps you grow as a person. What happens when you go through adolescence knowing this? I have a concious. I can tell what's good and bad. A lot of choices are rough. There's so many things I don't want to face right now. I don't want to face the fact that a lot of my friends are people I never wanted in my life. A lot of people I couldn't accept, not because they're different, but because that's not who I want impacting me. I don't want to have to look gorgeous all the time, or think that wearing something special will make me a different person. It's true, looks affect you. But sometimes the wrong way. And sometimes the right way. EI: If you're feeling shitty and dress up giving confidence on a certain day. Some people only care about that. I for one, do not. Looks can go to hell, because when I talk to someone, I don't look at them, I look in them. And find what I want to see. Some people are fucking ugly inside, and that's ok because that's who they are. I accept it, but I'm not going to tolerate it. I'm not going to base my life around people who are fucking discusting inside.

I know where I'm at most of the time, I just feel like I'm alone on it. Insanely alone.


PS: FUCK YOU, ADS BY GOOGLE, WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVIDE ANSWERS FOR ME? YOU CAN"T JUST CURE EVERYTHING THROUGH THE INTERNET, GROW UP.

Paxil Day 6 1/2

I've been feeling worse. It's growing. This feeling. This horrible feeling. Come to think of it. There aren't any feelings right now. I'm completely numb. Stupid as it sounds. I'm not tired. I'm not hungry. I'm not happy or sad. Actually. I think I'm just mad. At myself. Whatever. Hurry up and pass over me fucking emotions before I slit your throat and scoff at your pain.

Paxil Day 6

I did not sleep last night. I laid awake on my bedroom floor and listened to the furnace. I felt so alone, you have no possible idea. I don't understand how someone could feel this way. But I do. And it's horrible. I feel that way now too. Not as bad. But almost. My head keeps throbbing. Yes I know, I whine. I'm freezing, but I thought I should write something down. Today was a little better. I was feeling happy at one point. A man came to my house name K-jal and we played guitar. We talked about music, and it was fun for the time. It didn't stay that way unfortunately. After he left my emotions sloped downwards. Alice is asleep and I feel no need to wake her. For she was awake all night aswell and I think it would be intrusive to talk to her. I feel so dependant on my friends for happiness. I used to be happy alone. I used to want to be alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. This feeling is growing worse. It's my mind. My 'beautiful' mind. As he might say. Beautiful. Ha. It's a curse. Why do I think of these things? Who thinks of these things? Nobody! I'm alone on thought. I want my mind to vacate elsewhere, so I can be totally alone instead of with it. That's my biggest fear I think. I'll be alone with my mind forever. I guess I will, in a way. And it's thinking that way that will make me like that. But I can't help but think it, and then how it will progress, and how it will become fatal and permanant. A fatal disease, of the mind. The worst kind. Soon after it's diseased it will run away. So I'll be losing my diseased mind, and my sanity aswell. I can picture it all too well. I'm in a white room. With an army cot in the corner. But I'm sitting in the opposite corner, screaming obscenities. Then a rush of 'nurses' come in, about five of them, struggling to hold me down. And then I see a nurse grab a needle full of some chemical and jab it into my neck. AH. The thought's revolting. The feel of a long shaft being inserted into your neck. Right in the side. Sliding slowly, or being rushed in fast. I dont' know which would be most painful. Then the feel of the chemicals gushing into my blood. And my adrenaline rushes to the highest it's ever been, then suddenly dropping. And I'm content. For now.

Paxil Day 5

Today was eventless. I slept all day. Forever it seems. My room feels warmer than most places. Perhaps I feel most comfortable there. No other places can match the feeling it gives me. I fear I may not sleep tonight.

Paxil Day 4

Today was a nervous wreck. Well not as terrible as yesterday, but I had an awful feeling. In my gut. All day. At one point I was tasting vinegar in my mouth. Not pleasurable. My mind felt like I was away on a cloud. I could not concentrate, eat, sleep. I was a robot. I'm robotic. I was alone most of the day. I went to the library and found pleasure in a book about Death and the afterlife. It was mainly about the mind though and what people think about Death. There were no certainties. I've spoken hardly anything, but when people talked to me I could reply like a normal kid and not some freakish anxious child. I don't like it.

Paxil Day 3

It feels asthough I have not slept for days. Or better description; that it's all just been one day. My whole life has been but one long tiring day. I was tired all day, but I did manage to do a mega load of Chemistry done. My brain felt as if it were about to explode, soaking up all those elements. I did learn quite a few interesting things though. And have been thinking on a subject for quite sometime. This subject is Space. What's out there? How'd it come to be? My Class was studying nuclear fusion today and it got me wondering. If stars can be created through nuclear fusion, couldn't a planet evolve from that? I'm not too clear on the details, but my basic theory is that the Sun created a miniature Earth by nuclear fusion, when the right elements were there at the right time. This miniature Earth was able to evolve and grow to the way it is today. So basically, we're all coincidences.

It's interesting, that's for sure.

Paxil Day 2

Later last night I awoke from my nap and began feeling the effects of Paxil starting to work. My house seemed strange, and the dark was my foe. Today was quite peculiar aswell. I felt asthough I wanted to jump out of my skin all through class. But at lunch time Stefannie and I split to downtown. We wandered aimlessly, hardly talking. Exciting anyways. I've been talking to a boy named Davis. I feel sad for Toni to feel so jealous that I even want to be his friend. I would never do anything to hurt her, but maybe she'll begin to understand i don't want that kind of relationship with Davis. I hope. He's quite peculiar. But interesting.

Paxil

Today was odd. I awoke and went to school as usual. I tried to keep the day as neutral as possible. English and Science seemed to blur into one another, but I do remember a science experiement with Smarties. At lunch I sat in the library and walked around for a while. Third block was pointless. My new friend 'Joyce' took me out of class and we talked over various subjects. After returning I decided to check out some books on 'Existentialism'. I figured it was a better way to spend my class time than sitting infront of a computer reading nothing. My last block was used as catch up in science, as I truly need it. As a result of the quick power outage, school was let out early but my mother was not where she had said to be. In a panic, I could feel my heart racing. I could feel it coming. I hate it when that happens. I've decided to call these 'episodes' panic attacks, because maybe that's what they are and it just seems better than saying 'episodes'. It felt like everything was wrong. I decided to walk to the doctors, but on the way I saw her and jumped in the van. We went to the doctors where I was questioned infinately until I stopped answering. Her final verdict was a perscription to some pills called 'Paxil'. I took a pill about two hours ago. I can hardly feel any effects, but my house does seem strange.